Fritz-Udolph and the Silver Bolt.

Fritz-Udolph was awakened every night at 3 AM for two months by hard and rhythmic banging noises.  During those two months, he listened to that noise with wide-eyes and clenched fists while he lay in his bed.  He grew angrier by the night.  Finally fed up and disgusted with not knowing where the noise was coming from, he got out of his bed one thunderstormy night.  He slipped into his bright yellow chinoiserie silk robe printed with brown swallows and white magnolias.  He straightened his collar as he looked in the mirror and tied the belt into a sharp bow, slipped into his fur-lined leather slippers and started walking around his apartment.

He switched on the master bathroom light.

“Bang, bang, bang!”

He looked inside the sink cabinet and in the linen closet.  The noise wasn’t coming from anywhere in the master bathroom.  He stood in the bathtub, quietly listening for a long while.  He bit his lower lip and moved quietly to the guest room as his antique cuckoo clock chimed the quarter hour.  Of course, the banging continued.

“Bang, bang, bang!”

He slinked down the hall to the guest room.  The noise wasn’t coming from there, either.  He slid into the guest bathroom, stood in the shower stall and quietly listened.  He vaguely heard the banging but still couldn’t discern its origin.  He cleared his throat and rubbed his bearded chin.

Fritz-Udolph popped his hands into his robe’s pockets and tiptoed to the kitchen.  He flipped the light switch.  A couple of fruit flies from the bowl of ripening bananas flew past his face.  He grabbed a brown banana and ate it in three large bites.  Now the cuckoo clock chimed on the half hour, and there was more banging, this time a little louder and with a different tempo.

“B-bang, b-bang, b-b-bang, bang, bang!”

But the noise was too far away from the kitchen to come from there.  Feeling his face growing hot from anger, he tossed the banana peel into the garbage can and swatted five fruit flies as he closed the garbage can lid.  He marched into the living room.

“B-bang, b-bang, b-b-bang, bang, bang!”

The noise wasn’t coming from the living room, either.  “Strange,” Fritz-Udolph grumbled.  He stuck his head into the front hall closet and pushed aside his woolen capes and coats.

“B-bang, b-bang, b-b-bang!”

“Ah, ho!  There it is!” he exclaimed half-aloud.  “There it is coming from the next door!”  The cuckoo clock chimed on the three-quarter hour.  He rubbed his short grey beard, bit his upper lip and chewed on it for a long while.

“Bang, bang, bang!” the thuds echoed.  “Bang, bang, bang!”

Fritz-Udolph stood in the closet and listened.  “It is from the next door!” he thought.  “I will get the woman for this!”  By the time the cuckoo clock chimed four, the banging suddenly ceased.

“That’s it!” he grunted.  “I will show her, that infernal woman at the next door.  I will put an end to her discourtesy to me.”

The next morning, Fritz-Udolph called the management company and complained about his next-door neighbor.

“I tell you,” Fritz-Udolph shouted in his heavy German Swiss accent.  “You people must; I say MUST! put an end to my neighbor, Ramona, banging at three in the morning.  This has been going on for the two months.  I tell you, it is the hammer she is using.  I will not tolerate it.  I did an engineering study on this in my home country for a secondary school project, and I concluded no one could possibly bang all night long, ‘specially at three in the morning!  It is im-poss-ible!  It is the work of the succubus, that is what she is!  She will not seduce me, that Ramona, according to my proven engineering project!”

On the other end of the phone, the property manager smiled and half-giggled to herself.  She knew Fritz-Udolph didn’t make any sense, he never did, and that was par for the course.  She asked Fritz-Udolph if he had talked to his neighbor, Ramona, about the banging.  It was the better option, she explained, for opening the lines of communication between neighbors helps to foster goodwill.

“No,” he screamed.  “Why should I do that?  It is your job, fräulein!  Your job, not mine!”

The property manager rolled her eyes, took a puff from her joint, and promised she would contact his neighbor, which she did.  Through some investigation, the noisy problem was discovered.  It actually was a loose bolt from the fan that moved the air in the garbage room.  The garbage room was between Fritz-Udolph and Ramona’s apartments.

It turned out that Ramona never heard the noise because she was a heavy sleeper, and she slept wearing headphones.  She much preferred sleeping to the sounds of waterfalls than the noisy mechanics of the building.  Fritz-Udolph, on the other hand, was a light sleeper.  He could hear an ant crossing the grassy yard.

Fritz-Udolph was unfazed when he was told the noise was a fan bolt.  The building superintendent tightened it, and the noise was quelled.  Fritz-Udolph never apologized to Ramona for accusing her of something she didn’t do, nor did he feel remorse.  He was F.U., of course!

Fritz-Udolph’s complaint may have been addressed, but the way he handled it did little to cultivate even the thinnest thread of neighborly benevolence.  He passed Ramona in the hallway with theatrical grunts and mutters, while she, worn out by the whole affair, slipped past him with the quiet skill of someone avoiding a monster.

In the end, the whole episode left Fritz-Udolph with a lesson far quieter than the banging that had tormented him: life among neighbors requires patience that begins not in the hallway but in the heart.  What he mistook for another’s intentional rudeness had been shaped mostly by his own assumptions, his grand conceit, and his own certainty marching ahead of charity.  Yet, he never learned that peace within shared spaces depends on the intelligence to extend goodwill before judgment, to listen before accusing, and to soften the noise within before blaming the noise without.  He continued to accuse Ramona and other neighbors of deliberate peccadillos against him, and he continued to act with a haughtiness that only the most conceited of snobs could assemble.