Category: condominium association

Threads of Defiance.

A Lesson in Obedience and Conformity.

I lived in a homeowner’s association where wet towels drying on the balcony railings became the norm early on.  It was one hot summer afternoon, as I returned from work, I looked up at my building after parking my car in the lot.  There, colorful and flapping, were Ambrose and Un’iqué’s wet towels.  They clung to the eighth-floor balcony railings, the corners flipping up delicately in the breeze.  Although the colorful terry cloth towels looked pretty on an otherwise mundane beige balcony, the rules of the homeowners’ association forbade anything hanging on those railings.

But Ambrose and Un’iqué did it anyway.  Every Monday, which was wash day, their wet towels would hang until dry.  In the heat of the summer, every time the couple headed to the neighborhood pool, you could bet their beach towels would be draped across the railings after they returned to their apartment.  Over time, the towels became more than an act of defiance; they transformed into a symbol of quiet rebellion.  Neighbors began to notice Ambrose and Un’iqué’s colorful display as a sort of unspoken statement: life, with all its messiness and imperfections, could not be entirely controlled by rules and regulations.  They did it their way.

Of course, it was against the rules, by-laws, and such, but in the interest of so-called community harmony, the board of directors looked away.  It wouldn’t be nice to point out infractions, they’d say.  In reality, they broke rules, too, and it wouldn’t be right for a director on the board to be sent a friendly violation letter.

No matter that, the buildings started to look like New York City’s nineteenth century tenements.  Remember, it wasn’t all about not offending the offenders.

Soon, the monotony of the beige façades was punctuated by a patchwork of drying laundry.  Mrs. Delgado on the third floor hung out her hand-sewn quilts.  The Nguyen family draped their vibrant picnic blankets next to their toddler’s onesies.  Even creaky old Mr. Carmichael, once the staunchest enforcer of the by-laws, let his Hawaiian shirts flutter in the wind on hangers.  No one cared anymore.

The board of directors convened an emergency meeting to address what they called “The Towel Crisis.”  Yet, each time they discussed enforcement, someone brought up the sense of community the colorful fabrics had inspired.  The formerly frosty interactions between neighbors thawed, and people began smiling at each other as they passed through the hallways.

Ambrose and Un’iqué, seeing their small act ripple outward, became minor legends in the community.  And while the buildings may have resembled New York City’s old tenements, there was warmth and vibrancy to them that was cultivated that not even the strictest homeowner’s association rules could suppress.

The heck with rules!

 

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Twinkie’s Temper Tremors.

A Lesson in Anger and Envy.

Twinkie Terwilliger had all the charisma of a dirty wet dishrag.  He took offense at anything that didn’t cater to his inflated sense of self-worth.  The moment someone failed to shower him with praise, acknowledge his so-called brilliance, or metaphorically place a sparkly golden trophy in his hand for simply being present, the subsequent scene was inevitable.  He couldn’t stand other people holding the limelight or doing something better than he, and his envy got the better of him.  His fragile-as-glass ego shattered into a million pieces, and therein the theatrics began.

His eyes bulged as if they might pop from their sockets, his face flushed a shade of deep red.  His entire body tremblef uncontrollably, reminiscent of someone in the throes of psychogenic tremors.  To the untrained eye, it might have looked like a medical emergency, but those who knew him understood that it was just another of Twink’s infamous tantrums.

As his voice rose, so did the drama around him.  He just had to be always be right, no matter the subject.  Everyone else was wrong in his mind.  He jabbed a trembling finger toward his supposed offenders, the veins in his neck strained with every shouted word, his bald head turned a bright beet red.  “There you go again!” he bellowed, and his voice cracked as if rehearsing for a poorly performed stage play in the junior high thespian club.  The words echoed sharply and accusatory, and it left his targets unsure whether to laugh, apologize, or simply walk away.

At workplace meetings, his fellow meeting-goers were drawn in by the commotion.  Their expressions were a mix of disbelief and thinly veiled amusement, and many were unable to suppress a smirk or guffaw.  Yes, they had seen this performance before, yet it still left them to marvel at the sheer cheekiness of it all.  Moreover, there was a certain dark humor to watch a grown man who’s sixty years old throw a tantrum that rivaled any spoiled toddler in a toy aisle.  Not a meeting went by where he didn’t scream and shout at perceived insults to him.  He also invariably imagined that he was insulted at every turn, for he had a serious paranoia problem.

When he was back in the neighborhood throwing tantrums, he had a personal crusader.  His father, whom everyone called “Papó,” inevitably stepped forward to be Twink’s personal crusader.  He completed the absurd tableau.  Papó nodded solemnly and would then puff out his chest past his beer belly.  His face wore a forced mask of indignation on behalf of his son.  “He’s just passionate,” Papó explained to the gathering, as though this outburst were some misunderstood acts of controlled brilliance.  He, defending his sixty-year-old child as if he were still a little boy on the playground, being teased for wearing a pink elastic eyeglasses retainer on his head!

The crowd would disperse, with knowing glances exchanged and whispers passed among them.  Meanwhile, Twink stood tall once more and basked in his father’s validation, as if he’s won a moral victory that rivaled Napoleon.  The storm would subside, until the next perceived slight against him stirred it anew with his temper tremors.

 

 

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A Hobby for Mister Money Pit.

A Lesson in Compliance and Conservation.

Once upon a time in a land far away from where I am now writing this essay, I lived in an association where all bets were off on rules and logic.  You see, living in a homeowners’ association is supposed to mean order, maintenance, and shared responsibility (to a point).  In my former community, however, it meant living under the shadow of one homeowner’s misguided “help.”  We all called him Mister Money Pit because everything he touched cost the association more money, more repairs, and more headaches than if he had simply kept his hands in his pockets.  Every homeowner’s association has a character or two, but that association had a catastrophe.  He tinkered, he “fixed,” and nearly everything he touched ended up worse than before.  And for as long as anyone could remember, he was allowed to do it all.

Every winter for years, he oversalted the icy spots near the lobby door, which ruined the concrete sidewalk.  He shoveled snow into piles blocking easy access to exterior doors.  He periodically threw the swimming pool chemistry into chaos by overdosing the chemicals.  He twisted the hinges on the lobby door and every pedestrian door causing them to be misaligned, including the locks being nearly impossible to use.  He broke light fixtures, broke the lens of several fluorescent lights, drilled holes where no holes belonged, and left tools scattered around the common areas like landmines.  His tools were everywhere, behind shrubs, in front of his storage room, and hidden in locked mechanical rooms.  He treated the property like his personal workshop, and the results showed it.

He caused electrical shorts by plugging multiple industrial tools into a single outlet.  He shut off water valves without warning, leaving residents without water for hours.  He painted over rust instead of treating it.  He used the wrong screws, the wrong tools, the wrong materials just about every time.  He even tampered with the elevator machinery and fire alarms, because apparently nothing was off‑limits, and it kept him busy.  When confronted about hiring a professional?  Well, his signature line was “We can’t afford it!”  No, we couldn’t afford him.

He was hemorrhaging the community’s money, time, and ultimately, sanity.  His story is proof that a homeowner’s association must enforce boundaries, require professional work, and stop mistaking chaos for volunteerism.  Otherwise, one man’s hobby becomes everyone else’s disaster.  But for some reason, he was perpetually allowed to continue his operation.  Maybe nobody wanted to hurt his feelings.  Who knows?  No one said why.

He even routinely bypassed the board of directors, instead calling the management company directly to summon vendors for pumps, valves, and lights he had no authority to touch, even when he was told not to, and even more often after he had already made the situation worse.

In reality, Mister Money Pit wasn’t a volunteer.  He was a liability disguised as a helper.  His interference cost the community far more than professional maintenance ever would have.  His behavior was a reminder that good intentions don’t excuse bad outcomes, and that a homeowners association must enforce boundaries, compliance, and accountability, or risk letting one person’s hobby become everyone else’s financial burden.

If a community is to thrive, it must protect itself not only from neglect, but from the chaos created by those who refuse to recognize the limits of their own competence.

 

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Loose Trash and Looser Rules.

When I lived at the Sage Pointe Condominiums, the truth was simple: there were no real rules.  The Declaration contained only a handful of vague guidelines, none of which carried penalties, financial or otherwise.  In practice, nothing had any teeth; no bite.

What we did have was the Infractions Team, a small group of older ladies who enforced whatever they personally disliked.  If something offended their sensibilities, it instantly became a “rule,” and the offending neighbor was told to cease and desist.  Their grievances ranged from the trivial to the absurd, such as declaring certain bumper stickers on residents’ cars to be violations simply because the messages clashed with their unholy beliefs.  Those errant residents were then threatened with legal action.

Meanwhile, these same enforcers stored their own holiday decorations, bicycles, and medical equipment in the common-area closets with complete impunity. They walked their dogs off the leash.  They grilled pork chops on their balconies with open flames.  They filled staircases with their potted plants.  No reprimands.  No consequences.  No surprise.  It was the classic Rules for Thee and Not for Me dynamic, and everyone knew it.

One of the few written directives concerned garbage disposal.  For years, printed signs were taped to the garbage-room doors in the underground garage.  They instructed residents to place all trash in securely tied plastic bags and to dispose of furniture and large items privately, never in the dumpsters.

As the buildings filled with more residents (there was an ebb and flow with the population), the dumpsters began overflowing just two days after pickup.  At a homeowners’ association meeting, a member of the Care and Upkeep Team scolded the community for tossing unbagged trash and furniture into the dumpsters.  The remarks were recorded in the official minutes.

A couple of weeks later, I went down to throw out my own securely bagged garbage.  I glanced into the dumpster, and there it was.  A mountain of loose junk: files, hanging folders, workbooks, an American flag, Navy memorabilia, and other unbagged débris.  Because the book titles were visible, it was unmistakably the personal clutter of the very same Care and Upkeep Team member who had lectured everyone else about dumping unbagged garbage!

It was a perfect illustration of the deleterious culture at Sage Pointe: rules for thee and not for me.  Others were expected to follow the posted guidelines.  Certain individuals, however, exempted themselves entirely.

They were special!

 

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Time Blindness.

Once upon a time, my spouse was the President of our condominium association.  He was the designated point‑man for every vendor, handyman, contractor, and the property manager.  And without fail, something out there seemed to decide that the exact moment we sit down to eat was the perfect time for someone to call him.

It didn’t matter when we ate:

11:00 AM?  Phone rings.

12:15 PM?  Phone rings.

4:45 PM?  Phone rings.

7:30 AM?  Phone rings, because apparently breakfast is also fair game, too.

It was as if people had a sixth sense for when a fork was about to touch a plate.

Even the other board and committee members who should have known better seemed to be compelled to call precisely when we were eating, and not all of these calls were emergencies, either.

Appointments were no better.  If someone was scheduled to arrive at 9:00 AM, they absolutely, without hesitation, called at 8:15 AM to announce:

“I’m here.”

Not “I’m on my way.”  Not “I’ll be there soon.”  No.  They were already standing outside like a time‑traveling courier from the future.

And as if the mealtime ambushes weren’t enough, his phone also believed in a 24‑hour discipline of interruption.  Text messages arrived at 5:55 AM, before the sun, before coffee, before a bagel, and texts continued rolling in as late as 10:30 PM when we were just about to drift off to Sleepyland.  Ostensibly, the entire world has silently agreed that he was available at all hours, like a one‑man emergency hotline for condo‑related existential and non-crises.  I was convinced the only time his phone doesn’t buzz is when nothing in particular is going on in our home.  Oh.  It doesn’t ring or buzz when we are at Mass; our phones are turned off completely then.

It got to a point that I was convinced our condo was either:

  • bugged;
  • under surveillance by a secret intelligence agency; or
  • being monitored by people with remote‑viewing abilities who can see the moment we sit down with plates of food.

I’m kidding, and honestly, who knows?  But if someone knocked on the door the next time we even thought about lunch . . . I would’ve d just laughed.  I continued to laugh it off.

The most important part of this hilarity is that my spouse and the rest of the board at the time were doing an outstanding job getting the formerly poorly self-managed association back on the right track.  They were righting the ship . . .

 

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